After reading And the Mountains Echoed by Khaled Hosseini, The Goldfinch by Donna Tartt, and The Book Thief by Markus Zusak, I can say that it was time to read something fun and lighthearted.
If you've not read The All-Girl Filling Station's Last Reunion by Fanny Flagg, load it now or run to your nearest book store and buy it. Get all your housework done and spend some time just relaxing and reading. (Hint: If you read in public, those around you will glance your way wondering what you are laughing at.)
Southern charm oozes throughout the mother-daughter dynamics of this comic mystery novel, bound together by historical threads of World War II Aviation.
How surprised might you be to think you're Catholic and then . . . learn you're Polish ?
Will Sookie have to give up her Kappa pin ?
Really, what's going to happen to The Francis the First sterling silver ?
Just reading the words will cause you to speak in a syrupy, Suthin' drawl.
Humor.
Emotion.
Family Drama.
Lenore's To -Do List for her memorial and reception that follows . . . cry and laugh at the same time.
Sookie, at age 59 60, learns her real age and who she really is. Literally and Figuratively.
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So now, what do I read next ?
Any suggestions ?
It has become apparent to me that:
With either a pulled muscle and/ or cartliage pulled away from a rib/OR perhaps having cracked a rib that:
1) coughing is almost next to impossible
2) sneezing is totally absolutely unequivocally without a doubt, out of the question
3) the word hiccup is no longer in my vocabulary and do not whisper the word around me
4) hollering for the dogs to come inside uses muscles in my rib-cage area I never realized were there.
5) people look at me as if I had two heads when they ask how me how I did ' it,' and I tell them I was coughing.
6) they would be more apt to believe me if I told them I was rappelling off a mountain side.
7 it's easier to use a candle snifter than trying to blow out the candles
8 it is easier to turn the steering wheel to the left than to the right
9 there is no way is it possible to vacumn . . . or dust. . . or change the sheets . . . or do the laundry . . .or basically do ANY type of housework
10) I won't being doing "PLANK" for awhile
11) using a heating pad at night masks the intensity of my hot flashes
12) slicing off part of my pointer finger tends to distract me from thinking about the pain in my side
13 ) my tetnus shot was up to date; that meant one less stick
14) I am obssessed with playing with the stitches that are protruding from that finger
15) they feel like those confused eyebrows that grow out of my chin
16) how much I use my left hand, especially the pointer finger on that hand
17) pain pills keep me awake all night
18) my heart now beats in the end of my finger
19) washing dishes is out of the question (the doctor said so for at least 24 hours 48 hours 1 week forever) (See #9)
20) it's foggy, raining, cold . . .the dogs have been fed . . . I'm going back to bed to read "Orange is the New Black" . . .
. . . and eat watermelon . . .
and make Ree's Tomato Sherried Soup . . . please take note: That is a full bottle of sherry ! "Yes, I cook with sherry. Sometimes I even put it in the food."
Have you ever asked someone, "How are you ?"
We do it all the time, in passing, expecting to hear something like "Fine" or "OK" or "Busy" etc.
Anyone asking me that question today, beware and get ready for an earful. In other words, if you're not sincere about knowing how I REALLY am, don't bother with the question.
This is how my day started . . . didn't sleep well because I have either a cracked rib or cartilage pulled away from a rib due to coughing. Because I've had a sinus infection with lots of drainage. TMI ???
With that came asthma which I've not had in years. More coughing and wheezing.
If you've ever had a cracked rib or cartilage pulled away from one, you know it not only hurts like the dickens to cough or sneeze, it even hurts to breathe.
Therefore, I'm tired before my day even started. After feeding the dogs, I decided to deal with a watermelon in the refrigerator. It was so large that even lifting it out hurt my side, so my plan was to cut it into smaller pieces that were easier to deal with.
Yes, the serrated knife was very sharp. When I tried to cut through this very large watermelon, it slipped and the rest is history . . . and bloody.
At first I thought I had just knicked my finger, but upon closer inspection, I could see that the flesh was flapping around and the wound was rather deep.
The last time I did something as stupid, I chose not to have stitches and it took f.o.r.e.v.e.r. to heal.
Not wanting to sit for hours in the ER, I called the clinic and asked for the earliest opening. The receptionist asked what was going on, so I told her. She assured me there would be no problem seeing a doctor.
While standing in line waiting to see the receptionist, the very kind gentleman ahead of me noticed blood dripping from my hand and gave me his place in line.
Because all the docs were in a meeting, there was plenty of time to continue reading "Orange is the New Black." Reading Piper's story of her incarceration made my predicament seem rather insignificant.
Less than an hour after trying to remove part of the flesh from my finger, it was being sewn back back on. Yes, the numbing needle did stick a bit but in a matter of seconds I didn't even know I had a finger.
Finally get home with a numb finger and realize that only one dog is at home. June Bug. After looking for Ginger and Lola for about 10 minutes at the house and realizing that they definitely were not at the house, I loaded Bug into the van and we head down the driveway. Just as I'm about to pull out, I notice the 'dog police truck' coming up the street. Hmmm. Not a coincidence. We stop in the middle of the street and I asked if he had my dogs. He didn't. But it was indeed my dogs he was looking for because someone had reported them on the loose and not only that, but they had allegedly attacked another dog. I cannot post my words here because this a G-rated blog. Let's just say my words weren't, "Oh no."
There was this horrible sensation in my stomach as I visualized a dog being horribly injured or even worse, killed. Lola and Ginger are not mean dogs, and I just could not fathom this happening.
I told the officer to please tell the owner that whatever vet bills there might be, we would pay for them. I also asked him to call me if he found my dogs. For about the next 15 minutes my imagination went wild. What if they had killed a dog ? They would certainly have to be put down. Tears streamed down my face. I stopped and asked every person walking if they had seen Lola and Ginger. Nope. I drove up the hill in the direction the dog police went and found his parked truck. I waited. No sign of him. No dogs barking. The only sound I could hear was the beating of my heart. I waited for about 5 minutes, then continued my search. Nothing. Drove back to the where he had been parked. Truck was still there. Finally, he and a lady emerged from the house. I bailed out of the van and heard my name. I knew the lady. She was saying, "Kathy ! My dog is ok. He's not hurt."
Evidently, she and her little white poodle-type dog were walking in front of the house, and for some strange reason, Ginger decided to run out into the street. Lola decided to follow her. (The radio fence and their collars were not working. The gate was broken so it was open. Not a good combination.) Ginger didn't actually attack the dog, but she did succeed in scaring the bee-jee-bus out of Mary Ann. She called our house but because I was at the doctor's office, no one answered. Hence, the call to the dog police because she knew our dogs needed to be found.
I headed for the elementary school because the dogs love kids and when it's recess time, we can hear all those little voices at our house. No dogs on the playground.
Phone rings. Amigo Animal Clinic has been called and they give me the number of the gentleman who says he has the dogs.
I call the number.
No answer.
Call again.
No answer.
Phone rings. HOME AGAIN calls and lets me know the same gentleman has also called them. (Our dogs are chipped.) They connect me to him. He gives me his address and I head several miles to another neighborhood to find both dogs locked up in his backyard, playing with his dogs.
Can they look any more guilty ?
Everyone is now on lock down until the radio fence and gate are fixed.
By now, I had forgotten all about my finger.
That event seems like it happened days ago after all this.
All I know is having your dogs chipped is very important and the yearly subscription cost is worth every penny.
And here's June Bug.
I knew when I drove up to the house, that something was wrong because she was barking and whining and jumping all over me.
I guess it was her way of telling on her sisters.
June Bug, you were a good dog today !
To all the neighbors who were put on alert and on the look out for our little criminals, thank you for all your help.
Here is the update on my finger.
Moral to this Story:
If you ask me how my day 'was,' get ready for an earful because I plan to tell you in detail what has happened.
Dear HansMan: All this kind of $hi+ happens when you are gone.
The day isn't over.
I'm just waiting for the skunk to show up.
Now excuse me while I go have a piece of watermelon.
Before you read this, please understand ONE thing.
HAVING A COLONOSCOPY IS NOT AS BAD AS THIS POST MIGHT MAKE IT SOUND.
In reality, the colonoscopy is a breeze. It's the prep that's not-so-fun.
But I can assure you after having gone through the treatment for cancer, the prep is also a breeze. So, if you are due a colonoscopy, whether it be your first or your second, RUN don't walk to your phone and make your appointment. Why ? Because I said so !
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Now, on with the show . . .
It's full name is::
PEG-3350 Sodium Choloride, Sodium bicarbonate and Potassium Chloride for Oral Solution
with. . .
drum roll please . . .
A Flavor Pack !!
Oh happy day ! It's comes with a flavor pack !
Now that you have a visual, let's begin at the beginning.
Not too long ago, a suspicious looking envelope arrived in the mail. I say suspicious because the return address label read: Grand Junction Gastroenterology and Endoscopy Center.
A thousand or more thoughts ran through my feeble little mind as I ripped open the envelope.
Thoughts like,
"We paid this bill, didn't we?"
"The results of my tests have already been sent."
"Maybe they are just wishing me a happy birthday." (Yes, this arrived back in June.)
As I read the letter, it said something like, "It's time for your colonoscopy."
But this can't be ! I just had that done !
The further I read, my eyes came across a date...something like 2007.
Typo. This must be a typo.
Immediately I grabbed the phone and called to inform them of their mistake.
"Are you kidding me?" "It WAS five years ago ? " "Are YOU sure?" "H-m-m-m-m."
For several days I mulled this around in my mind, thinking I would get right on this and schedule my roto-rooter appointment. But, I didn't. That was in June.
Five months later, I picked up the phone to just make sure one more time that it had actually been five years, and the receptionist assured me that it had. Actually, now it has been about five and one-half years.
OK. Mrs. Schmoldt. We have you down for November 14, 2012 8:00 a.m. SHARP.
**I thought, please don't say sharp.**
My thinking was (and it was wrong, by the way) that if I scheduled my appointment first thing in the morning, the prep wouldn't consume the day before. Wrong. Not only did it consume my whole day before, it consumed my whole night before.
Fast forward to yesterday morning. My plan was to make my breakfast and read the packet of instructions while I savored my last meal prior to the procedure. As I sat down and took my first bite of egg and Canadian Bacon, these were the words I read: "ON THE DAY PRIOR TO THE COLONOSCOPY, START CLEAR LIQUIDS AT 6:00 A.M."
What ? 6:00 a.m. ? Can't be.
At this point I nearly choked on that bite of egg and bacon. So, as I re-read and re-read that first sentence, I chewed and chewed that bite of egg and bacon until it WAS liquid, but then went to the trash and spit it out. My dogs were thrilled. They were treated to another breakfast and this time it was human food.
Here's that letter just in case you don't believe me.
Now, if you'll notice at the very, very bottom of that letter there is a list of what is considered clear liquids. They are defined this way:
clear broth, apple juice, white grape juice, colas, coffee, tea, Jello, popsicles, water or any other clear liquid that if you hold it up to light you can see through it.
Alcohol (not encouraged)
Coffee creamer and milk or milk products are not considered a clear liquid.
Since this was at the very, very bottom of the page, it entered my mind that the list might have been continued on the next page, but there WAS no next page. It then entered my mind they might have inadvertantly left out that next page.
So, I called the office to inform them a page might have been left out of my instructions packet. I explained what I just said in the above paragraph and the nurse assured me there WAS NO next page. Not only did she assure me this was the complete list, she also told me no RED Jello.
What? I didn't know there was any other kind of Jello. This is absurd. That's the only kind of Jello that lives in my pantry.
Have you ever eaten Hawaiian Pineapple Jello ? Don't.
For the next several hours, twelve to be exact, everything I looked at reminded me of food.
Instead of drinking just plain 'ole chicken broth, I decided to strain the broth from about seven cans of Campbell's Chicken with Rice. Surely that would be more tasty than the other chicken broth that I cook with.
Have I mentioned we have a new micro-wave ? It heats differently that the old one that was nineteen years old. In fact, it heats things much hotter, much more quickly.
And because I was so excited to taste something beside HawaiianYuck Jello, I didn't think to test the temperature of the broth. I'm sure the inside of my mouth and tongue will grow back some day, but for now they remain in a state of numbness and shock. I swear every once in a while some of my taste buds fall off and I swallow them.
Later that evening, while I was mixing my concoction of commercial strength colon blow, and trying to decide which flavor pack to use, theHansMan was feasting on grilled salmon, broccoli, baked butternut squash, and sipping on a nice Merlot.
He said this with a mouthful of food, "Probably not a good idea to eat in front of you, huh?"
The knot on the side of his head will go away in a few days.
I'll not go into the detail about the next TWELVE hours. But I can say that sneezing was out of the question and there was no such thing as a fart.
If you can read the list above, it pretty wells sums it up my night.
Once we arrived at the scene of the crime procedure, I knew thought that the worst was over. NOT. But, I wasn't the one who ended up in tears. It was the little lady whose job it was to find a vein in my arm so that a wonderful drug that would take me to la-la-land, could be injected. She just couldn't find one, and after three jabs, she was in tears. My right arm now looks like I have a tatoo sleeve. There are beautiful shades of purple and blue and magenta from my elbow to my wrist to the top of my hand.
Enter: Debra !
Debra determined there were NO veins in my right arm that could be used. No $hi+ Sherlock. But, because of previous procedures, my left arm was not to be used as a pin cushion. Debra explained to me there would be no harm done
Evidently, she found a vein. That's about all I remember.
I am now typing this in a stupor. There are sounds coming from my stomach, that if I didn't know better, one would believe I had swallowed a couple of lions defending their territory from each other.
But, the only thing I've swallowed . . .
is this !
I don't remember eating swallowing inhaling it, but there is evidence that I did because the bag from Carl's Jr. is sitting on the table next to my bed. Empty. Evidently, I also ate a biggy sized portion of French fries and drank a soda pop. Thank goodness I didn't eat the bag, wrappers, and napkins.
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After my first colonoscopy, I posted this complete with photos.
It has since become one of the most "googled" posts on my blog.
People using the search words: Can you mix moviprep with vodka end up at my place.
Now, as I mentioned earlier, find out when it is you should have one of these procedures and make your appointment. You, too, can enjoy hot chicken broth and HawaiianYuckJello.
If you were reading here yesterday, the motivation for that post was because of the cartoon that was posted on my Facebook Wall by one of my former students, Marcy.
Be sure to check out the comments on that post. The assignments will give you a giggle.
In keeping with the theme of cartoons and classrooms, here are a few more:
This cartoon caught my attention years ago and was the reason for one of the assignments given to my students.
It has always irked me to see advertistments, especially on billboards, with incorrectly spelled words.
One in particular here in Grand Junction was at a preschool . . . a preschool of all places. The sign that those children walked by every day was spelled, "skool." So, by the time those children were in school and had a spelling test, it's fairly certain they spelled school: skool.
The assignment was in the form of a scavenger hunt, and for a week my students were to locate signs around town that had misspelled words. It was amazing how many they found.
The next part of the assignment was to write a business letter to those establishments letting them know about the assignment and asking why the signs and billboards had misspelled words on them.
Most every student received a reply praising them for calling attention to their signs. The number one reason for the signs was that when the business was purchased, the sign was already up and it would cost too much money to change all the signs and business forms. Another was that it was an attention getting technique.
Well, you bet it attracts attention !
Our project probably didn't change much in the way of correcting the 'mistakes,' but my students had fun with it and learned the correct way to compose a business letter.
This is a cartoon I used when teaching the importance of commas and placing them correctly.
Another sentence used was, "Let's eat, Grandpa."
As opposed to, "Let's eat Grandpa."
In order to reduce the number of times the word "LIKE" was used, we played a game.
Anytime someone used the word "like" as above, all the students would slap their desks.
It was amazing how many students, especially the girls, could not speak without using that word in almost every sentence that rolled out of their mouths.
To this day, it drives me straight up the wall to hear, "And she was like, and he was like, and ok, like you know . . ."
The next time you are in conversation or watching an interview, listen for that word and start counting.
You'll probably be amazed at how many times it is used in this way.
And just for fun, here's a card I found in one of those pockets on an airplane.
I whited-out the name of the airlines, but it wasn't Delta or American or Southwest or Lufthansa . . .
It was Youknighted.
Remember in the movie, "The Sixth Sense," when Cole (Haley Joel Osment) said to Dr. Crowe (Bruce Willis), "I see dead people ?"
Well for me, "I see lesson plans."
Every day of my life, there is always something that triggers 'that teachable moment' in my head, and a lesson plan begins to form.
Yesterday one of my former 5th/6th grade students from Brantly Elementary in Antlers, 'Okrahoma,' posted this on my Facebook Wall. (She was in my class several decades ago.)
But, before you see it, let me tell you how happy it made me to have Marcy even remember that I WAS her English teacher . . .much less, that I was pretty much a stickler with everything from neat handwriting to correct grammar to correct punctuation to correct spelling to . . . !
This is what appeared:
I must admit, it hurt when ice cold water blew out my nose while reading this. Thanks Marcy for helping to clear out my nasal passages.
But, as mentioned earlier, a lesson plan just started forming in my head when I saw this cartoon.
Actually, I already had a lesson plan for this particular subject. GOT !
So, I went to my files downstairs, in a closet that has my school-teacher-life stored in it, and found the assignment.
By the way, that closet that I mention . . . drives AnodeMan straight up the wall. It is so jammed-crammed full of school records, the door hardly opens. It is organized though. Finding this particular assignment from years ago should prove that. So, AnodeMan, just get over it. Someday I'll come to terms with my hoarding obssesion and get rid of everything in that closet. But not today ! Who knows . . . maybe I will end up in a classroom again !
Here's the assignment:
GOT is a Dead Word
Objective: To limit the use of the word "got" and replace it with different vocabulary words.
Directions: Copy the following sentences and replace the word GOT with a different word or words. (Remember: Gotta is NOT a word !)
1. I got nervous when it was time to give my speech.
2. I got an award from my teacher.
3. I got the chicken pox.
4. I got to go to the restroom.
5. I got an A in English.
6. I got Mom a birthday gift.
7. I got to go to the party.
8. I got a feeling we will have homework.
9. I got into an argument with my sister.
10. I ain't got no pencil.
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In reference to sentence #10 . . . this was something I heard many times in my classroom.
Here is a conversation that really-truly happened one day:
Casey: Mrs. Winters, I ain't got no pencil.
Me: Casey, I don't have a pencil.
Casey: You ain't got no pencil either ?
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Now, back to the assignment. I do remember how creative my students were when they re-wrote the sentences. Most of them not only replaced 'got' with other words, but they added to the sentences to make them livelier. (Especially sentence #4)
Just for fun, think about how you would change these sentences.
You are even welcome to post your assignment on the comment page here or on Facebook.
Your assignment is due tomorrow.
By the way, thanks Marcy !
