We’ve have done our share of traveling in the past, but not so much since COVID hit. I've not been on a plane since sometime last year.
I'm not that upset about it because air travel had gotten to be a pain, but for some reason, I've been thinking about all those times in all those airports.
Having been witness to and a part of the chaotic boarding process, I've thought back to this experience that I really don't miss that much.
If you have ever gotten on board a plane, sat in an aisle seat, then had to get up not once but twice to let the passengers who have the middle and window seats sit down, you may have an inkling what I rambling ranting about. Or been knocked in the head because someone dropped a carryon while trying to cram it in the overhead bin above you. Or stood behind some moron who’s blocking the aisle, because he forgot his book that’s in his carry on that he dropped on your head that he’s placed in the overhead compartment, well, perhaps you understand.
Just once, I would like to be the one in charge of the boarding process. Give me that microphone.
It would go something like this:
We are ready to board Flight 01234 to Whatchamacallitville.
We’ll start with our military personnel (thank you for your service to our country), those needing extra help boarding, those with children (who will inevitably be seated behind me and will kick the back of my seat the entire flight), and first class ticket holders. (*Insert any others who need early boarding here.*)
While those passengers are boarding, the rest of you, please sit down and please listen. Did you hear me? I said SIT DOWN and LISTEN.
Find your boarding pass NOW. Not, when you get to check-in. Also, if there is something in your carry on that you need and you plan to put in the overhead compartment, get it out NOW. Not when you are standing in the aisle rifling through it looking for your earbuds while holding up everyone else who’s waiting to board.
The flight attendants have been equipped with cattle prods and have been trained in how to use them.
Look at your boarding pass. Find the word ZONE. Whatever number is there, disregard it. (Whoever thought up this process is an idiot to think that it works efficiently.)
Look for your seat number and letter. The number designates which row you are in. The letter designates which seat you are in.
If your number is between 40 and 50, I’m talking to you. Please PAY ATTENTION !
Now, look at your letter. It will either be an A, B, C, D, E, or F . The amount of letters is determined by the kind of plane. In this case, today we have a plane with three seats on each side of the aisle.
This is our Arm Rest Rule. Abide by it at all times while seated: Window seat gets right arm rest. Aisle seat gets left arm rest. Middle seat gets both on either side. Or vice versa depending which side of the plane you’re on. At any rate, the middle person gets BOTH arm rests. It’s the least those on either side can do to make the middle guy a bit more comfortable.
Plus, there will be NO reclining your seat backs. The buttons have been super-glued and are inoperable.
If your letter is an A (window seat) or F (window seat), and if your number is between 40 and 50, please stand up with your ticket in your hand and anything that was in that carryon that you were going to put in the overhead, and approach the gate.
In other words, we are boarding all the window seats at the back of the plane FIRST. While these passengers are boarding, everyone whose ticket numbers are between 30 and 40, with the letters A or F, do the same.
By now, some of you have figured out what we’re doing. The rest of you, morons passengers continue to please listen.
20 – 30 Letters A & F, please line up.
Anyone else whose numbers are less than 20, with the letters A and F, get in line behind them.
NOW, we’ll start again with seats 40 through 50. If your letters are B & E (middle seats), please make your way to the boarding door.
30 – 40 B & E
20 – 30 B & E
Less than 20 B & E
At this point, we have the window seats occupied, and are now filling up the middle seats.
Hopefully, by now, the rest of you have caught on.
40 - 50 C & D. Line up.
30 - 40 C & D. Line up.
20 - 30 C & D. Line up.
Numbers less than 20 C & D. Line up.
Thank you ladies and gentlemen.
Oh, wait.
The waiting area is empty.
Anyone who has lined up 97 kids to go to the cafeteria, or load buses, or tried seating them in an auditorium totally understand the above process. Maybe the airlines should consider letting school teachers be in charge of the boarding process. You can bet your bottom dollar it would be much less confusing for all concerned.
