Anecdotes, Antidotes, and Anodes

A Simple Outline of The Past Few Days

Seems like it's been a *month of Sundays since there has been a legitimate post here.
(*Hyperbolically speaking, that literally means thirty weeks, so I exaggerate.)

There are many good reasons for not posting.  Here are my reasons in outline form:  
(believe what you may)

I.   Preparing for visit from oldest daughter and son-in-law)
      A.  This includes everything from winterizing the sprinkler system, 
             to putting a new battery in  the van, to planting bulbs for spring,
             to cleaning the corral fire pit. . .
      B.  The above mentioned have nothing to do with what actually needs
             to be done prior to their visit, but there's nothing like having company
             to motivate finishing procrastinated projects

II. Suffering from the prolifically blooming sage brush and rabbit brush
      A. Who installed the sand paper under my eye lids ?
      B. Why does my nose drip like a faucet one minute and clogs up the next?
              1. One nostril will be obstructed and the other open
              2. Almost simultaneously, nostrils switch job descriptions
                    a) Neti pot, neti pot, neti pot
                    b) Lotsasnot, lotsasnot, lotsasnot

III. AnodeMan had another knee replaced (thank goodness he only has two)
        A. Surgery on Monday at 10:00 a.m. (walked outside at 3:00 p.m.)
              1.  Dr. Huang says he is the best patient he's ever had
              2.  The nurses think he's a riot
        B. Home on Tuesday and at work on Thursday
              1.  There are 14 steps up to our bedroom. 
              2.  He maneuvers them amazingly well
         C.  I got my flu shot
                1.  It didn't hurt . . . until later
                2.  I would really like to whine, but considering Hans has a new knee,
                      maybe not

At this point, I must digress with this conversation:

Him:  Why didn't you answer your cell phone ?
Me:  It didn't ring.
Him:  I called you several times to come pick me up at the office and take me home.
Me:  You said one of the guys at the office would bring you home.
Him:  I changed my mind. 
Me:  (thoughts of being a  blankety-blank mind reader were not verbalized)
Him:  When you didn't come after me, I started calling you.
Me:  Well, I never heard it ring.
(He calls my cell phone.  Nothing.  No ringy-ding-ding.)
Him:   Speaking of phones, your new one is on the table.
Me:  Did you, by chance, activate the new one, thereby de-activating my old one ?
Him:  **silence**

IV.  Aliens entered our house through the chimney
         A.  They hid my glasses. 
                1.  My prescription glasses. 
                2.  My only prescription glasses.
         B.   I looked everywhere and called all the places I had been that day
                 1. My close-up world was blurry
                 2. Paying for new glasses was not on my list of things to do
                       a)  I finally found them
                       b)  They were hidden in my glasses case. 

V.  And then there's the World Series
       A.  Go Rangers
       B.  Oops

VI.  . . . to be continued in Game SEVEN ! 

 

 

 

How to Carve a Jack-o-Lantern

Actually, the title should read, "How to Carve a Bub-a-Lantern."

I keep seeing these Dog-0-Lanterns posted on Facebook, so I dug this one up from 2009. 

Bub-a-Lantern !

Bub-a-Lantern's reflection.

Bub-a-Lantern in the daylight.

Lola was mesmerized with the Bub-a-Lantern.  No matter where I placed it in the house, she was there to sniff at it.

Now, I know you're thinking, "Wow ! That Swampy is a talented gal ?!?" And, I would like to think that I am, but I know better.

If you're interested in spending an entire afternoon carving your favorite puppy dog's face into a pumpkin, check out this Better Homes and Gardens web-site. 
 
There are almost 30 stencils to choose from !

Unfortunately, there is not a Boxer with cropped ears. And, I just have to create a Junior Jack-o-Lantern.  (June-yur-Lantern)  So, guess what I'll be doing this afternoon ? 

Also, I could not let those seeds and pulp go to waste. So, as most everyone else on the face of the Earth refer to, I'm using this idea for Pepitas and this idea for Pumpkin Puree. 

Happy Carving !

P.S.  I learned that these don't last very long because of having to cut so deeply into the 'flesh.'  If I ever take the time to try this again, (which I probably won't), I would coat the inside with parafin. 

 
 

Night of the Living-Dead...Bride and Groom

 Since this was first posted on October 27, 2008, a few of us  a few thousand of us  a few million of us have become familiar with something called Facebook.

Here is  my Halloween Costume for 2011:

Oops !  There appears to be a wardrobe malfunction with this one.

After a quick call to tech-support, the problem was rectified.

********************************************************************

If you scroll down just a bit, you may find ideas for you Halloween costume this year. 

Monday, October 27 means that in only four days the little munchkins will be knock knock knocking on my front door saying things like, "Treat or Treat...Smell my Feet...Give Me Something Good to Eat !  And what a suprise they will get when they try to eat what Swampy gives them.

It also means that Mon Funday has descended upon us again. Today's hostess-widda-mostess is Sayre at Sayre Smiles.  Her challenge for us today is this:

Tell us about your favorite Halloween as a kid (pictures, if you have them!), and show us your costume for this year. If you're not dressing up, show us a picture of a pumpkin carving that really tickled your fancy or how you decorated your house.

So, trek your way over to Sayre's Place and see what all the hobgoblins are doing today.

My post today is a sincere attempt to follow the Mon Funday rules. It contains a variety of FASHION FELONIES that I photographed at Hope's Night of the Living Dead Bride and Groom party. So pour yourself a cup of your favorite brew, sit down, and enjoy the style show.

 

Oh, you may need a machete to whack your way through the cobwebs as we enter.

 

Meet our gracious host and hostess, the Dead Bride and Groom. (No pun intended !)
Do they appear to be a bit out-of-focus?  So, what ARE you drinking from your cauldron?

 

This may clear things up a bit.

  

Tina Turner and whatever the heck this dude is, seemed to be enjoying themselves.  Is it just me, or does he resemble a Dalamatian with dread locks?

   

Oh, look ! Tina has moved on from Groovey Dalamtian Dude to Joe the Plumber. Geez, I hope that's a NEW plunger.

Real men don't eat quiche wear pink and look at life through rose-colored glasses.

 

Not sure what Anne Bonney looked like, but there's no doubt she probably wasn't this pretty.

  

This guitar came dressed with a floppy straw hat, black wig, and someone's face and arm. 

 

The Groovey Dalmatian is now swimming around with A Mermaid.
(Is someone singing "Who Let the Dogs Out?")

Someone DID "Let the Dogs Out !" 
This is Angel who came as herself but someone stole her halo.

 

A Horny M & M ?  I may never eat another M & M !

 

This couple came as An Oxymoron !

 

No party is complete without a Zebra...

 

...or two...and...

 

... a Witch...

 

...and a Firemanwoman !

 

This was one of the more elaborate costumes of the evening.
Someone came as a Tree.
Can you imagine how long it took to glue on all those colorful leaves?

 

CatWoman hanging with the hostess...

 
...and Joe the Plumber.  (He gets around as much as Groovey Dalmatian Dude.)

 

The Cowboy in the Black Hat is trying to "wrangle" Officer Naughty.

 

Mum's Mime's the Word.

 

Joe? Is that you? Again ?

 

"Cher called. She wants her clothes and wig back."

Don't look now, but it appears someone was attacked by a velour leopard while sleeping too long in the tanning bed.

 

No. I'm not using some PhotoShop effect on this photograph. This is our version of "The Green Screen."  Enjoy...

 

The Bride seems to be asking, "Where is my Groom?"

 

Behind the screen...

 

...in front of the screen...

...and...and...well, you can figure this one out.

 

Then, there was the doctor.  (I might add this tidbit:  Joe the Plumber was the guy who created the "mammogram machine" but was generous enough to share it with the doctor.)

 

And you know, I just can't pass up the opportunity to remind everyone to schedule your Ta-Ta Squishing appointment.

 

Even Mermaids have mammograms.

 

See, she really did schedule her Ta-Ta Squishing appointment on her 40th birthday.

 

Even "Cheerleaders" have mammograms.  (Me thinks she might need to shave her tummy."

 

The clock strikes Midnight...the Witching Hour.  Oops. I turned into a...

 

Hope you enjoyed the FASHION FELONY Halloween party...

 

...hosted by The Bride and The Groom !

Why Do Baseball Players Spit SO MUCH ?

I wrote this post in 2009 after watching the World Series with no favorite team in mind.  But now that the Texas Rangers are in the World Series, I'm watching with much more interest.  Being born in Paris, Texas qualifies me to be a Rangers fan.  Even though I now live in Colorado, I lived in "Okrahoma" for 40-some-odd years and was always a fan of any professional team in Texas since we never had one in my home state.  It has surprised me how many "hits" this blog gets with people "googling"  "Why Do Baseball Players Spit So Much."  Here's my take on all the flying saliva...

First posted November 9, 2009 :

Now that the World Series has ended, once again withdrawal has set in.  Anytime a sporting event that lasts for an extended period of time ends, such as Wimbledon, The Olympics, football season, or a PGA golf tournament, (I'd rather watch paint dry) I go into a funk-of-sorts.

Was it just me, or did the players spit more this series than any other ? Seems as though I spent more time counting the players hawking loogies than watching the actual game.  I had to wonder if  baseball players create more saliva that the rest of us?"

It became apparent there were many expectorating styles.  Some players were proficient in blowing spit through their teeth.  Others fashioned their lips in an "O" and blew their spit into circular motions through the air. For those on the bench, the spit seemed to be sent down to the ground between the legs rather than through the fence.

Why do baseball players spit so much ? I can't remember ever seeing Roger Federer or Maria Sharapova coating the tennis court with spit.  Or, Tiger Woods sending it sailing before he tees off or makes a putt.  What about hockey players ? Would their spit freeze on the ice ?  About the only thing I've ever seen hockey players spit is their teeth.

When tobacco chewing was in vogue, there was no question as to why they spit. Swallowing tobacco juice might cause a bit of indigestion, and possibly rid the body of worms.

Now that we all know about the chance of tobacco usage causing cancer, many players wanting to avoid that and be role models, gave up tobacco for sunflower seeds.  But as far as I could tell, very few of the players had sunflower-seed-hull-filled-spit.  Most of the spit just looked like plain 'ole spit.  Although the consistency did vary.

Then I wonder, what position spits the most . Obviously, the catcher would have to be quite talented to get a wad of spit out from behind his mask. Because the cameras generally focus on the batter, or the batter on deck, their flying globs are captured more than any others.  The pitcher also does his part to keep the mound moistened.  We won't even mention the coaches and managers.

Wonder if they've ever thought about how much spit there is when sliding into home plate ?

I did notice that A-Rod sent his flying in different directions...even on his uniform. Hopefully, Kate will help him become less messy with his technique.

Chase Utley always had a little spittle attached to that growth of hair under his bottom lip.

Then there's Robinson Cano who always seemed to have a big pink bubble covering most of his face.

As far as Derek Jeter is concerned, I'm not even sure he ever spit because my focus was on those blue eyes.

The HPA (Health Protection Agency) has cautioned that spitting could increase the risk of spreading H1N1.  If this is true, both stadiums should have been quarantined.

Have you ever tried to spit that much ?  If you haven't, may I suggest that you try.  It's almost impossible to produce that much spit, even with a cold or sinus infection, where snot is involved.

Maybe next year I'll give up my obsession with counting spits and focus on adjustments.

***********************************

Updated October 19, 2011:  During this World Series, any number of games can be played that involve counting the number of times any particular player spits.  We'll not even mention drinking games that can be created with this action.

Choose your team, or player, or coach . . . and have fun tallying up the spits.

Go Rangers ! 

 

 

Adventures with Anode Man

 Ever heard any of these:

"Hey, watch this."

"What will happen if I punch all these buttons at once?"

"Oh, I can fix that."

"Don't worry, I've done this before."

"Where's the ladder ?"

"The sky lights need cleaning."
(Four weeks after having knee replacement surgery.)

"Sure I can stand on my head."

"Jump in.  It's not that cold."

"I'm going to use your: 
computer
telephone
iPad . . . "

"Let's take fireworks to Lake Powell."

"Wonder what's down this road?"

"Wonder what's up this road?"

"Wonder what all those people are doing ?"

"Let's go over there where all those cars are."

"But we've never been to a Mexican Rodeo."

I could go on and on, but you get the picture.   And, by now you've probably made the assumption that these are just a few things I've heard while being married to Anode Man. 

Last Saturday was one of his full-fledged adventures, complete with many new quotes.

Saturday was our 17th anniversary and it was a memory-making day.  In more ways than one.  We participated in Walk-4-Life, bought fruit and veggies at the Farmer's Market, (yes, he bought cantaloupe "These don't have listeria."), ate brauts and sauerkraut and drank grape Fanta at October Fest.

My hope was to drive through the mountains to see the Aspens before they dropped all those golden leaves, but because we spent so much time on the above listed activities, the sunlight was fading fast behind The Monument.

As we walked into the house, Anode Man started gathering things up in the kitchen and throwing those things in plastic bags. He told  me to load the dogs in the van while he finished.  And to hurry up.

As we drove down the driveway, he said, "I thought this had a full tank of gas."

My thought was, "Oh, crap."

My question was, "Where are we going?"

As usual, he always has a plan and this time was no different. 

He told me we were going to head up The Monument several thousand feet to the see the golden Aspens. And not to worry, "We have enough gas to get to Glade Park Store. I'll fill it up there."

Please understand, most of these photos were taken from the van.

A van that's moving.

Through the windshield. 

The climb up is scenic and not one for those weak-of-stomach.

This is the valley.  You can see Mt. Garfield, the small bump almost directly in the center, way-far-away in the background.

To the left of that small bump are The Bookcliffs that head to Utah. 

And, on the right-hand side is part of The Grand Mesa.

That green area basking in the sun is Grand Junction.

Yes, he honks everytime we go through the tunnels.

And rolls the windows down so it's more than just ear piercing.

The scenery is spectacular.

We are going up and up and up and winding and winding and winding. 

Yes, that's Mt. Garfield, The Grand Mesa, and Grand Junction down below. 

Way down below.

Because of this little shower, the temperature  dropped rapidly. 

And this rainbow just magically appeared.

Things are blurry when you speed by signs . . .

. . . but amazingly enough, this shot was very clear.

The entire trip up The Monument was a bit nerve-wracking because of the needle on the gas gauge, but we finally made it to here.

Unfortunately, The Glade Park Store was closed.

My thought was that we would just head back down 'the hill,' and probably go to the local gas station and fill up.

Not.

Remember those quotes at the beginning of this post ?

Add one more:

"I think we can make it up there."

My thought is, "Yes, but can we make it back down here ?"

And we did make it up there.

These were the first Aspens we came to and the only Aspens we saw.  Oh, there were more, but that would have meant using more gas, which we did not have.

After taking a few photographs, he turned the van around, and we started back downhill.

When I say "downhill," I'm not  talking down a hill.  It's more like "down a mountain."

See how high up we are?

As we head 'down-hill,' he puts the van in neutral and we start coasting 'down-hill.'

To save gas.

Did you know that when you do this, POWER steering and POWER brakes no longer exist ?
Did you know that the road we are on is more of a 'switch-back' trail with about a 75% grade?
Did you know that I have a pretty healthy 4-letter word vocabulary ?

Please be advised, this is not a well-kept road trail. 

Ever heard of rub-board road ? 

Ever driven on one ?

Ever ridden in a van that is traveling at a speed that is too fast, with no POWER steering or brakes on a rub-board road ?

I swear I saw the back end of that van pass us on several curves.

"Hans, are you listening to me ?  "AT THE NEXT WIDE SPOT IN THIS ROAD, STOP THIS VAN, START THE ENGINE, AND DRIVE DOWN THIS MOUNTAIN."

He did.

He did stop the van.

He did not start the engine.

Why ?

Because the van wouldn't start.

"Do we have any jumper cables ?"

It didn't matter that we didn't have jumper cables.  There were no other cars to jump from.

Not only were there no cars up there.

There was no cell phone signal either.

"Well, at least we won't starve."

He was speaking of the 'things' he threw in that plastic bag just as we were leaving.  Those things were:  trail mix, chips, cheese, and wine.  (No cork screw.) 

It really didn't matter about not having a cork screw.  My wine-drinking days are behind me.   So, if he needed a drink, that would be his problem.

As usual, anytime the van starts up, the dogs pile in.

June Bug kept watch from her side of the van.

Lola kept watch from her side of the van.

Ginger slept.

They didn't seem to mind that we were once again coasting down this mountain.

The conversation went like this:

Me:  "What's that smell ?"

Him:  "Uh, brakes."

Me:  **insert expletive here**

 

We finally made it back to here.

The store was still closed.

Sometime this summer, Anode Man did a job here.  He protected the gas tanks with one of his systems and didn't even charge the lady who owned the store.

This was the view from my vantage point as Anode Man headed around back of the store.

He was gone for a good fifteen minutes.

 

When  he emerged, he came back with these yellow jumper cables.

Not sure what he intended to hook them to at this point.

Several minutes later, the lady who owns the store drives up. 

That random act of kindness paid off. 

She remembered Hans and was more than happy to help him out.

He seems to be wondering, "Is it red on positive and black on negative OR red on negative and black on positive ?"

 

It only took a few minutes to fire up the van, and we were headed back home enjoying these views:

This was the view from our driveway of where we had been.

We made it home safely on fumes.

The van is still sitting in the driveway with an empty tank of gas and worn out brakes.

**********************
Message from the Emergency Swampcast System: 

For those of you who never read the comments, this one was left by Anode Man:

This is the ghost of Anode Man. In His defense, his Swiss army knife has a corkscrew. Secondly, the gas gauge needle was on "E" going UP the mountain because the float gauge was in the front of the tank and the gas was in the BACK of the tank. Also, smoking brake pads will cool if you sit long enough with a dead battery. At 6:30 we still had 30 minutes of daylight. You didn't mention that he took you to the movies when you got home! What a guy!

 

 

Thank you, Steve Jobs !

Thank you, Steve Jobs.

**posted with an iTear**