Before you read this, please understand ONE thing.
HAVING A COLONOSCOPY IS NOT AS BAD AS THIS POST MIGHT MAKE IT SOUND.
In reality, the colonoscopy is a breeze. It's the prep that's not-so-fun.
But I can assure you after having gone through the treatment for cancer, the prep is also a breeze. So, if you are due a colonoscopy, whether it be your first or your second, RUN don't walk to your phone and make your appointment. Why ? Because I said so !
Now, on with the show . . .
It's full name is::
PEG-3350 Sodium Choloride, Sodium bicarbonate and Potassium Chloride for Oral Solution
with. . .
drum roll please . . .
A Flavor Pack !!
Oh happy day ! It's comes with a flavor pack !
Now that you have a visual, let's begin at the beginning.
Not too long ago, a suspicious looking envelope arrived in the mail. I say suspicious because the return address label read: Grand Junction Gastroenterology and Endoscopy Center.
A thousand or more thoughts ran through my feeble little mind as I ripped open the envelope.
"We paid this bill, didn't we?"
"The results of my tests have already been sent."
"Maybe they are just wishing me a happy birthday." (Yes, this arrived back in June.)
As I read the letter, it said something like, "It's time for your colonoscopy."
But this can't be ! I just had that done !
The further I read, my eyes came across a date...something like 2007.
Typo. This must be a typo.
Immediately I grabbed the phone and called to inform them of their mistake.
"Are you kidding me?" "It WAS five years ago ? " "Are YOU sure?" "H-m-m-m-m."
For several days I mulled this around in my mind, thinking I would get right on this and schedule my roto-rooter appointment. But, I didn't. That was in June.
Five months later, I picked up the phone to just make sure one more time that it had actually been five years, and the receptionist assured me that it had. Actually, now it has been about five and one-half years.
OK. Mrs. Schmoldt. We have you down for November 14, 2012 8:00 a.m. SHARP.
**I thought, please don't say sharp.**
My thinking was (and it was wrong, by the way) that if I scheduled my appointment first thing in the morning, the prep wouldn't consume the day before. Wrong. Not only did it consume my whole day before, it consumed my whole night before.
Fast forward to yesterday morning. My plan was to make my breakfast and read the packet of instructions while I savored my last meal prior to the procedure. As I sat down and took my first bite of egg and Canadian Bacon, these were the words I read: "ON THE DAY PRIOR TO THE COLONOSCOPY, START CLEAR LIQUIDS AT 6:00 A.M."
What ? 6:00 a.m. ? Can't be.
At this point I nearly choked on that bite of egg and bacon. So, as I re-read and re-read that first sentence, I chewed and chewed that bite of egg and bacon until it WAS liquid, but then went to the trash and spit it out. My dogs were thrilled. They were treated to another breakfast and this time it was human food.
Here's that letter just in case you don't believe me.
Now, if you'll notice at the very, very bottom of that letter there is a list of what is considered clear liquids. They are defined this way:
clear broth, apple juice, white grape juice, colas, coffee, tea, Jello, popsicles, water or any other clear liquid that if you hold it up to light you can see through it.
Alcohol (not encouraged)
Coffee creamer and milk or milk products are not considered a clear liquid.
Since this was at the very, very bottom of the page, it entered my mind that the list might have been continued on the next page, but there WAS no next page. It then entered my mind they might have inadvertantly left out that next page.
So, I called the office to inform them a page might have been left out of my instructions packet. I explained what I just said in the above paragraph and the nurse assured me there WAS NO next page. Not only did she assure me this was the complete list, she also told me no RED Jello.
What? I didn't know there was any other kind of Jello. This is absurd. That's the only kind of Jello that lives in my pantry.
Have you ever eaten Hawaiian Pineapple Jello ? Don't.
For the next several hours, twelve to be exact, everything I looked at reminded me of food.
Instead of drinking just plain 'ole chicken broth, I decided to strain the broth from about seven cans of Campbell's Chicken with Rice. Surely that would be more tasty than the other chicken broth that I cook with.
Have I mentioned we have a new micro-wave ? It heats differently that the old one that was nineteen years old. In fact, it heats things much hotter, much more quickly.
And because I was so excited to taste something beside HawaiianYuck Jello, I didn't think to test the temperature of the broth. I'm sure the inside of my mouth and tongue will grow back some day, but for now they remain in a state of numbness and shock. I swear every once in a while some of my taste buds fall off and I swallow them.
Later that evening, while I was mixing my concoction of commercial strength colon blow, and trying to decide which flavor pack to use, theHansMan was feasting on grilled salmon, broccoli, baked butternut squash, and sipping on a nice Merlot.
He said this with a mouthful of food, "Probably not a good idea to eat in front of you, huh?"
The knot on the side of his head will go away in a few days.
I'll not go into the detail about the next TWELVE hours. But I can say that sneezing was out of the question and there was no such thing as a fart.
If you can read the list above, it pretty wells sums it up my night.
Once we arrived at the scene of the crime procedure, I knew thought that the worst was over. NOT. But, I wasn't the one who ended up in tears. It was the little lady whose job it was to find a vein in my arm so that a wonderful drug that would take me to la-la-land, could be injected. She just couldn't find one, and after three jabs, she was in tears. My right arm now looks like I have a tatoo sleeve. There are beautiful shades of purple and blue and magenta from my elbow to my wrist to the top of my hand.
Enter: Debra !
Debra determined there were NO veins in my right arm that could be used. No $hi+ Sherlock. But, because of previous procedures, my left arm was not to be used as a pin cushion. Debra explained to me there would be no harm done
Evidently, she found a vein. That's about all I remember.
I am now typing this in a stupor. There are sounds coming from my stomach, that if I didn't know better, one would believe I had swallowed a couple of lions defending their territory from each other.
But, the only thing I've swallowed . . .
I don't remember eating swallowing inhaling it, but there is evidence that I did because the bag from Carl's Jr. is sitting on the table next to my bed. Empty. Evidently, I also ate a biggy sized portion of French fries and drank a soda pop. Thank goodness I didn't eat the bag, wrappers, and napkins.
After my first colonoscopy, I posted this complete with photos.
It has since become one of the most "googled" posts on my blog.
People using the search words: Can you mix moviprep with vodka end up at my place.
Now, as I mentioned earlier, find out when it is you should have one of these procedures and make your appointment. You, too, can enjoy hot chicken broth and HawaiianYuckJello.