The HansMan has a way of pushing buttons . . . literally and figuratively !
After having been married to him for five years . . . ten years . . . fifteen years . . . over fifteen years, I have spent an exorbitant amount of time trying to hide my buttons. He has that special knack of knowing exactly where they are and which ones to push . . . and when.
Even now, when he does succeed in finding one and pushing it, I try very hard not to let him know he has set me off.
But that's the figurative part of this story.
He literally will push E.V.E.R.Y. button in the car, on the computer, on the telephone, on the TV, on anything that doesn't seem to be working properly. He pushes them randomly and with force. Over and over and over again. All of them.
Join me in a conversation that happened several years ago when he stayed home while I flew somewhere for a few days or ten. This was just after we had joined the 21st Century and had a satellite dish and DVR's installed.
When the plane landed, I turned on my phone, noticing he had called. About six times. While getting ready to listen to all the voice mails he had left, the phone rang. Foolishly, I answered.
Me: Hello.
Him: What did you do to the TV's ?
Me: What ?
Him: None of the TV's work. What did you do to them ?
Me: What do you mean they don't work ?
Him: They're all blue.
Me: Blue ?
Him: That's what I said. Blue.
Me: I don't know what you're talking about.
Him: You sabotaged the TV's didn't you ?
Me: Sabotaged ? The TV's ? Are you drinking ?
Him: No. But I'm going to start if you don't tell me how to fix the TV's.
Me: Lower your voice. I'm not deaf.
Him: I'm not shouting.
Me: Yes, you are.
Him: No, I'm not. Now, tell me what to do with the TV's.
Me: You really want me to tell you what to do with them ? Well . . .
***he interrupts***
Him: Don't start with that attitude and stop laughing.
Me: OK. Tell me what you've done.
(I already knew what he had done. He had pushed every button on every remote in the house.)
Him: Well, I pushed the "ON" button on the remote and the TV in the den was 'snowy.'
Me: Which remote did you use ?
Him: What do you mean WHICH remote did I use ?
Me: Well, one of the remotes controls the receiver and the satellite. One of the remotes controls the TV.
Him: You mean there are TWO remotes.
***he appears to be an intelligent man***
Me: Yes. There are two. How many buttons have you pushed.
(As I mentioned earlier, I already knew how many he had pushed.)
Him: All of them.
Me: And you're accusing me of sabotaging the TV's ? Are all of the TV's snowny ?
Him: No. They all turned blue after I kept pushing buttons.
Me: You pushed ALL the buttons on ALL the remotes in the house ?
Him: Yes.
Me: I can't help you. Call STS and ask them to walk you through what to "un-push."
Him: Who ?
Me: The satellite people. You know. The GUY ! And whatever you do, don't go up on the roof and mess with the satellite dish. You remember what happened to Alan in that episode of Two and a Half Men when he didn't call The GUY, don't you ?
Him: Yes.
Me: Promise you won't get a ladder and climb on the roof ?
Him: I promise.
Me: Goodnight.
***************************************
As it turned out, THE GUY could not walk HansMan through the steps of trouble shooting the problem over the phone, so he had to come to the house to fix the blue TV's.
**************************************
Fast forward to our road trip last month.
While babysitting grandkids on New Year's Eve and their parents went out to celebrate, this is what happened . . .
There are several morals to this story:
1)
2)
3)
Please share yours in the comments.
1. Men who are perfectly capable of commanding other men are incapable of mastering a remote.
2. Men who are capable of remembering the batting average of a baseball player from 4 decades ago are incapable of remembering how to work a remote.
3. That IS his happy face.
Posted by: Sandy | January 25, 2011 at 04:52 AM
1. HansMan need to have a fool proof remote, one that has a redo button.
2. HansMan now has a remote where the sun don't shine!
3. HansMan is now enrolled in remote user school.
Posted by: Janis | January 25, 2011 at 08:23 AM
1. Even men who work in television can't figure out how to program a vcr or dvr or satellite receiver. (Ooops - that's MY man)
2. After they've totally messed it up, it becomes OUR fault that it's not working.
3. We must be magical people because obviously WE know how to fix it - even long distance with little or no information.
Posted by: Sayre | January 25, 2011 at 08:24 AM
I must admit, I do not know very well how to work satellite remotes either! I screwed up my friend's soon to be ex-husband's TV, when trying to help her copy videos! She took the fall. But then when she was SURE I sabbatoged HER TV, while hooking up her VCR, I had been there, so I realized exactly what she needed to do. She did not believe me, but when she finally tried it, it worked!!! She was thrilled, EXCEPT to realize she needed THREE separate remotes to work her VCR!!!
Posted by: Puppysitter | January 25, 2011 at 09:55 AM
For this type of problem, I always contact someone like our teenage paper boy, he knows his electronics!
Posted by: Steve Skinner | January 25, 2011 at 06:07 PM
1) To learn how to use a remote one must take time to read a "man"u-all. And you all know they're not going to do that!
2) There must always be someone to blame.
3) Men have a magic touch but not with remotes. They are not even "remotely" capable of mastering the remote.
Posted by: Junebug | January 25, 2011 at 07:44 PM
only one.
Keep your Hans off the remote.
Posted by: Pamela | January 25, 2011 at 09:04 PM
OMG...I am his version! ROFL
Posted by: Mariposa | January 26, 2011 at 12:06 PM
Sounds just like me. I honestly don't touch our tv, cause I don't know how to turn it on. It's sad. I need a refresher course every time.
Posted by: church lady | January 26, 2011 at 08:15 PM
For us, it's trying to remember what combination to use when we want to watch a DVD. Cuppa tends to remember, but for me it's like a cat going out the door -- a brand new world every single time.
Posted by: AC | January 27, 2011 at 08:24 AM
LOL. When my husband found out last night that I had given our teenaged daughter permission to have a get together with friends Saturday night in his new man cave, he protested loudly, "But they'll screw up my remote, and it will never be the same!" My concern was locking up the liquor. His biggest worry was the remote.
Posted by: Hulagirlatheart | January 27, 2011 at 12:21 PM
Good answers! LOL Sorry, I'm no help. When I'm babysitting and want to switch from a movie to TV, I have no idea which box to fiddle with or which of the 5 remotes I point and click with. If the 5 yr-old can't talk me through it, I either suffer through some kid show or call the parents. When my s.i.l. says did you do this and this -- I say, ya. He says--Oh...I don't know, then.
Posted by: Kim | January 28, 2011 at 04:46 PM
The moral of the story is don't watch tv. ;) This was such a FUNNY story...had me laughing. I hope you've been enjoying your travels. I'm off to catch up on some of your posts now.
Posted by: Lisa | January 28, 2011 at 11:33 PM
BWAAAAHAAAA!
BWAAAAHAAA!
BWAAAAHAAAAAA!
*insert never-ending maniacal laughter*
Posted by: Kim | January 30, 2011 at 03:36 PM