Dear Santa! I Asked for a Microwave. This Is Ridiculous!

Mon Funday is being hosted by my blog-babe-bud Sayre today.

Here's her challenge:

Write this assignment AFTER Christmas (or Hanukkah) and tell me two things about your holiday: 

What was the most touching, wonderful part of Christmas for you this year?

AND
What was the craziest, stupidest, funniest part this year?

 

 

Christmas for me, is all about the children and their wide-eyed innocence. With that being said, here are two photographs from our very special time together with two of our grandchildren:

 

   

Doesn't she just look like a little curly-red-haired angel ?  And you just gotta love that little string of teething drool on him. For more of our Christmas memories, just scroll down to the next post.

 

Now for the second part. That's not as easy because when you live in the same house as AnodeMan, there is ample blog fodder that can be categorized under each of these: 

1) craziest 2) stupidest 3) funniest... Because I know you don't have hours to sit here and read e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. that went on in this household, I'll stick to one subject mentioned in my post-Christmas letter to Santa:

 

Dear Santa,

I know you're busy and all, but my request was a simple one:  Microwave !

I even told you that if you couldn't bring me a new one, just send one of your elves, preferably a good-looking one with six-pack abs, to glue the handle back on my old one. It's very frustrating to try to open mine and end up with the handle in my hand while the food bubbles, boils, and petrifies inside. Let me just get straight to the point with this question:  What the heck kind of microwave is this ?  

 

It doesn't look anything like a microwave and I couldn't figure out where to put my pizza to reheat it. There were two long poles, a 1,000 foot extension cord, wheels, and all sorts of bells and whistles that I've never seen on a microwave.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I checked both sides of this microwave contraption and found words like:  water out, air out, purge valve, (PURGE ? Do you think I have an eating disorder ?) pressure gauge, (Yes, sometimes I do have gas, but I don't need a gauge to measure it !) Backyard Blizzard, Home Snowmaker, Patented...there was even an illustration of a polar bear in sunglasses skiing down the side of it. Santa, in all my years, I've never seen a microwave like this one.

 

 

The other side had Danger, Warning, Caution, and a bunch of words in fine print that I couldn't read. (I know that my cooking is bad, but really now...DANGER, WARNING & CAUTION are a bit extreme !)There was an on/off switch, and that stupid polar bear was skiing on this side of my microwave, too.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

   

 

 

Later that evening, I looked out my front door and found my new microwave sitting on my front porch. There was also a frozen tub of water and what appeared to be two hoses attached to the bib on the side of my house. (The last time these hoses appeared here during the winter, our basement became a wading pool the following spring. Evidently, someone doesn't realize that when the water freezes inside the pipe, and the pipe reaches to the inner depths of our house, once the spring thaws come, the pipe has burst allowing thousands of gallons of water to be pumped inside. Yes, I speak from experience, AnodeMan's experience.)  

 

So, when AnodeMan and Youngest Son came back inside from the sub-freezing temps, the conversation went something like this: 

 

What are you doing with my new microwave ?

What new microwave ?

The blue one sitting on our front porch.

That's not a microwave.

Well, what is it then ?

It's a snow-making machine.

A what ?

A snow-making machine.

A snow-making machine ?

That's what I said. I didn't stutter.

Why do we have a snow-making machine ? We live in Colorado. People in Miami need snow-making machines. We need a snow-making machine about like we need some more holes in our heads. I didn't ask for a snow-making machine. I asked for a microwave. Simple enough...

Calm down.

I ! AM !  CALM !

Just wait. You'll love it. As soon as we figure out how to make it work...

 

Fast forward 30 minutes.  The conversation goes something like this:

 

The TV's just went off !
The surge protector has now engaged on my cornpooter ! 
We have no heat !
We have no lights ! 

WE HAVE NO ELECTRICITY !

 

YES ! But we have SNOW !  Lots of snow !  Where's the breaker box ?

 

    

 

Santa, this is just a wee much bit of snow. Remember, we're not at the North Pole. We're in Colorado.

(And this is a darn good photograph, if I say so myself.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Don't think our neighbors who just drove in from their other home in Florida appreciate how effective my new microwave/combination/snow-making-machine is.  Please note, he's not using a "Snow-Removal-Machine"...he's using a Leaf Blower ! And she's using a shovel. S-h-h-h. They live in Florida. They don't  know any better.

 

 

Poor baby. Rusty has never seen snow. He's lived in Florida all his life. He better get used to it. He lives next door to someone with a microwave that produces the stuff.  And no, you're not seeing double. There's another Boxer, Sammy,  in the background.

 

        

 

And, this is what Bubba thinks of the snow. He's writing his name in it. No, I think he's watering the sage brush.

 

 

 

 

   

 

 

 

 

All I have to say, Santa, is this is one fancy microwave. So glad I didn't ask for a refrigerator.

 

Sincerely,

Snow-Swampy

 

P.S. If anyone out there is interested in having a Microwave  like mine, clink the link.

 

OR, you can just call me at BR-549 and ask to borrow mine.  That way your car can look like this, too:

 

      

Comments

[Jan]

Ha, ha, ha, ha, as usual. Very funny Fun Monday. Love all of it, the post the photos, the chuckles. Holding my sides.

[Equoni]

ONLY Hans would buy that!!! ONLY Hans would know WHERE to buy something like that!!! I don't even know what to tell you! I hear you on the microwave thing! My microwave DIED one year...not just the handle, it didn't work at all! It was a tough few months...but my santa-Grandma pulled out her consumer reports and every ad in town and went to every store in town and picked the EXACT model she wanted to get me, and bought a gift certificate with the brand, model number, and color written on it, so all I had to do was go to Walmart and find it on the shelf. I still have that microwave! It's pretty much the only thing I cook with, unless it's pizza...I do use the real oven to cook pizza. I do NOT know what to tell you to do with your snow maker (I can think of a thing or two you might like to recommend Hans do with it, but they are not compatible with the rating of this blog!) Good Luck!!!

[Sayre]

What in the world was he thinking? Only AnodeMan... So, will you have to gift yourself with a microwave? I remember when we didn't have those things and now I can't live without mine. I hope Santa makes a return trip real soon and brings you what you want because I happen to know that you've been a VERY good girl this year!!!!

[Sandy]

Gosh, I love y'all! I'm so glad you had a great Christmas and I hope you have an even more fun in the coming New Year!

[Pamela]

ohhhhhhhhbajeebers!
a snow maker. U.n.believable.

seems mother nature got one, too eh?
So, no new micorwave yet?

[the planet of janet]

so, does that microwave sit on the counter or is it an under-the-cabinet kind of thing?

just askin'

[Di]

SOS SOS... no snow in Virginia yet.... dot dash dot... send snow please... going into springtime mode here... birds and bees confused and starting to mate. SOS....dot dat dit det ... oh hell... just send me some damn snow please!

[Swamp~Elf]

JAN: So glad to have made you giggle just a "liggle."

EQUONI: Ah, come on. Let 'er rip. If it's too bad, we can censor it. Teeheehee.

SAYRE: Got you fooled, don't I? Uh, of course, I've been a good girl. I may just have to "gift myself."

PAMELA: No new microwave yet. I keep thinking that Santa will make a pass back through, but nutin' yet.

JANETonaPLANET: Actually, it takes up an entire room of its own. With a sheet of plywood on top, it double as a dining table.

DI: SOS...dot dash dot...dot dit dot dash. OH, hell. just come live with me for a while. We can make snow men and snow angels together.

[Swamp~Elf]

SANDY: Oops. Need to put my glasses on...and a very special Happy New Year to you, too !

[blkhart]

And I thought we were moving to the high desert so I wouldn't have to shovel snow anymore. Hans is my idol. I love his thinking. 915 days to go or 2 years, months 6 and 2 days.

[Tracey]

Can we please borrow that strange microwave? We need it here in MD this year!

[Molly]

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year Swampy. I cannot say that I'm envious of you and your new microwave. We have enough snow here in Indiana to keep me happy. Your grandchildren are ,of course, precious.

[janis]

Sounds like a very interesting "Microwave" hmmm, may just have to borrow it for the holidays down here in the south. Once again you wrote a hysterical story, keep em coming.! I love to laugh!

[Swamp~Elf]

BLACKHEART: Would you like to borrow him ? I'll be glad to Fed-Ex him to you. Maybe we could work a trade...I'll send you AnodeMan you send me Joanie.

TRACEY: Just come on Out West with Di and Janis and we'll all play in the snow together.

MOLLY: Happy New Year to you and yours, too !

JANIS: Just load up and get in touch with Tracey and Di ! Oh what fun we'll have.

[Catherine Martin]

Thank goodness someone that reads my blogs knows how to post a 'comment!' Everyone always asks about Charlie- where's Charlie??? What did Charlie get for Christmas??? Why isn't Charlie's name on your answering machine??? I'll tell ya why... 'cuz if you tend to be quiet and chill no one remembers you're there! FYI, Christmas morning, he hung out in the corner by the garbage bags filled with gift wrap- perfectly content just being born! Santa came for him too- a couple of books and some bath toys. I got footage of him somewhere... By the way, get yourself a vacuum along with that microwave!
Cat

[CruiseMom]

Okay, AnodeMan has a device that Kilowatt does not have, and has not yet decided we need. I'm hoping to keep him in the dark about this, my microwave is working just fine, as is Mother Nature and her natural snow in NH!

Love your post!

[faye]

First, BR-549 is on speed dial at my house. But more importantly, me thinks Swamp Elf is being a tad bit ungrateful to not appreciate the entrepneurial(whatever!)spirit of her Swamp Guy. All that needs doing is to take the spite fence down between you and the neighbors from hell and then Mr. E can just blow himself up a ski business. No worries about the economy for Swampland! By springtime he'll figure out how to get the lake out of the basement. . .

Oh, and I love little drool baby with those million dollar cheeks and the little red-haired angel. Hope she keeps that hair color when grows up. All the best to you and your crazies in '09, Swampy.

[Karisma]

Hahaha! Thanks for the laugh! Amazing what all this new technology can get a microwave to do! I came home to a blown up dvd player (the one that we use for Karaoke! Argghh)Hmmm I wonder what the new ones are capable off. Glad to see you had a wonderful xmas. Hugs xxx

[lis]

ROFLMAO... I think your microwave passed over our fair city on it's way to your place.. *lol*
AnodeMan is such a dude...

[MommyWizdom]

OH My word! That was such a great letter to Santa. I'm sure he posted it on his "best letters blog!"

As far as the pirate ship, yes, it is big, but not as big as your microwave! That was so much fun to see!

Thanks for the laugh! Happy New Year to you, AnodeMan, and your gadgets!

MommyWizdom

[Alison]

Darn, I wish I knew you had that before. My son was wishing for snow here is sunny CaliforNIa, he was wishing real hard because if it snowed than school would be cancelled, and if school was cancelled than Christmas vacation would have started early, and if Christmas vacation started earlier than he would be able to watch TV again, since he lost his TV privileges for the December, until Christmas break of course (I am not that hard on myself!!)...so you see...Michael would have loved to borrow your new microwave!!

[Gattina]

Hahaha ! Men !! wouldn't surprise me if mine would buy one even if we live in an igloo, lol ! Wonderful microwave indeed !