Bend Your Knees

Skiing is not a sport I excel in. Actually, I don't excel in any sports, skiing just happens to top the list. Granted, we live about 40 minutes from the slopes, it would be easy to include skiing in my life, but rarely do I go. My idea of skiing is to sit by a fire, drink some hot chocolate laced with Bailey's, Kahlua, Frangelica, etc. and watch those avid crazies come hobbling into the lodge with boots-from-hell attached to their feet.

The agony of defeat feeling enveloped me this particular day, looking down the side of the mountain promising myself, If I survive the trip to the bottom of this slick-as-snot hill in one piece, never again will I affix 8-foot slats to the bottoms of my feet, ascend in some Playskool-looking car dangling from a wire, and be lifted to heights where trees don't even grow.  Where is the oxygen kiosk?

My daughters seemed to take to the sport quite naturally. Of course, their center of gravity was much lower to the ground than mine, they were young, and they knew no fear.  My job back home required that I be able to stand up and move my limbs about the classroom. Plus, I loved my knees and wanted to keep them intact on my legs.

This one, rather vivid 'moment' (actually there were several) will remain etched in my brain for as long as I shall live. Maybe longer. 

The three of us were decked out in the latest pastels of the season. Fashion statements we were for sure. I don't remember my ski suit being particularly warm that day but it was certainly in-style. Looking at old photos, I resembled a raspberry-colored  Michelin man. 

After falling out of the gondola, in-style, I joined the girls between two signs with black diamonds on them. Then, watched them do that switch-back thing down the side of this mountain.  It's called traversing, or something. Pride beamed from my heart. How quickly they had learned this new sport. We lived in Oklahoma at the time, and there weren't many ski slopes in that state back then, so visiting Colorado was new and exciting for us.

Reality set in, and I realized I had to get down this hill, too. I had mentioned the signs with the pretty diamonds on them to the girls just before they left me there, shivering, propped up against one of the sign poles looking very professional holding on for dear life.  They both assured me there was nothing to worry about. The signs were just decorations and everything would be fine. Hadn't I noticed other signs with green circles and blue squares?  Just a little decor that all ski slopes use. Does the word mogul mean anything to you? 

Beginning my descent and trying to remember everything the instructor on the bunny slope had told me, all became just a dull thud in my head.  Oh, wait ! That dull thud was the sound of the back of my head introducing itself to a mogul. How did this happen?  I've progressed three feet and I'm flat-of-my-back with my skis pointed skyward. Plus, I don't remember the bunny slope instructor telling me just exactly how to get back up after having fallen and neatly lodging myself among the moguls. There were no moguls on the bunny slope.

"Mom!"  "You alright?"

"NO!"

Finally, after some nice gentleman with a white cross on his red jacket helped me back up on my ski-laden feet, I was ready to attack the mountain. All I really wanted to do was to catch up with the girls who were waiting halfway down that hill for me. Then, get down to the lodge as fast as I could. That fall had given just enough adrenalin to think I could do it.

With skis pointed toward each other (snow plow bunny slope position), I head straight down the slippery slope.  I don't remember much after that, but I do remember hearing, "Mom, bend your knees."

"How the hell can I bend my knees, when I have a ski sticking out of my bu++? "

"Mom, there are little kids skiing around you. Watch your mouth."

It's physically impossible to bend one's knees when that particular piece of equipment is located there.  And don't tell me to watch my mouth, right now I'm just trying to get the snow out of it. Besides, those 5 year-olds shouldn't be skiing so close and using me like something on an obstacle course for their down-hill runs.  If one more little $h!+ jumps me, I'm telling his mother.

I was finally able to slide down to them while they waited halfway down the mountain, on my bu++.  Yes, I removed the ski first. By the time I arrived, they were speechless, on the ground, in hysterics. I love you, too.

Not wanting to hinder their progress any longer, I sent them on their merry way assuring them I would be fine. They could find me later.

Check the bar, first.  Then, the hospital.

I located that nice man in the red jacket with a white cross on his back. Or did he locate me? He was riding a snowmobile with a sled attached to it. Will wonders never cease?

The girls found me at the end of that beautiful day, sitting by the fire, in my apris-type-ski clothes, sipping hot chocolate (ok, it wasn't hot chocolate - it was an extra dirty martini) and sharing the day's stories with all the other rugged skiers there.

Yes, the powder was fresh and deep, the sun had shone brightly, the sky was blue, and just as the lifts closed, the clouds rolled in and snowflakes began to slowly drift down. All was well with the world. It's now just a fond memory.

Dear Girls,

Remember those black diamond signs? As I reminisce and write today, those signs are at this moment, being installed, set in concrete in your front yards on 12-foot, neon-yellow poles. I thought they would make nice "decorations" for your houses. 

I LOVE YOU BOTH !

SwampMom  :)

P.S. You don't believe me?  Go look out your front doors.

Comments

[Pam]

HEY....I'm first. I am so dang excited I can't think of anything funny or witty.
Black diamonds in OK? Ya sure??? They got hills that big? Or were you in CO or NM?

Great story. I will NEVER understand why people take beginners up to anything other than a green. *shakes head*
I'll teach you SW...I am a good teacher and have lots of references. I was also Ski Patrol so I can save you if you need me to.
Heeheheeee.
(can't put up my heart from this computer...pooh)
(heart)Pam

[swampmitch]

PAM: Ya mean you've never been skiing in OK? And it wasn't that I was a beginner, I was a slow learner. :) You head west and I might "renounce" that promise I made that day..only if you'll wear you Ski Patrol outfit. I'll see if I can find my raspberry puffy one.

[Nessa]

What's wrong with you, crazy woman? Lifts should only be used to get up and down to the bars. And snow is only to look at through a picture window, totty in hand.

[jen]

thank god for those nice men in red jackets with white crosses...you mad woman, you.

[marnie]

It's sade, because I live in such a wonderful place for skiing and snowboarding, but never fail, I always end up sitting on the offending ski's or snowboard and skuttle-butting my way down the hill.

Some pre-schooler always zips by me, spraying me with powder.

You are not alone.

[Pamela]

Did the ski think as a teenager and young adult... and then it was just tooo much trouble when I got older and busy and uncomfortable when I got cold.

I remember taking out a whole line of a ski class once, just like bowling pins

[Willowtree]

Hey Swampy, you missed your chance to have input into the name of my blog...too bad.

[Shauna]

I love to ski! Not good by any means and get really pissed when 3 year olds fly by me! Oh well, my first trip to the slopes was HORRIBLE. . . And, right there by you! I told Birddog, after being other places, that I don't want to go back to Wolf Creek. . .

[swampmitch]

NESSA: I know that about what the lifts are for now. People just look at me funny when I get on them with no skis.

JEN: I just love men in uniform. Especially ones who are there to save me.

MARNIE: Where have you been? Thanks for letting the entire universe pimp your blog. What a great idea for a post. I've decided to take up snow boarding. There's more room to sit on them than on a ski.

PAMELA: I think I saw you the day you went bowling down the slope. As I remember, you knocked down all 10 plus a few more.

DubYaT: I missed it. Sorry. But why are you having a vote for what to name your blog? You're going to name it what you want to anyway. I have a great idea, but you wouldn't like it.

SHAUNA: Why go all the way to Wolf Creek when there are slopes all around you in Oklahoma. Haven't you heard of them?

[swampwitch]

No, that wasn't a typo: swampmitch
It's sing along with SwampMitch
Check out Julie's place for the
"The 15 Days of Christmas" or some such nonesense:
http://anotherchanceranch.typepad.com

[barngoddess]

we have black diamond runs in Okla? where?!?!! I am grabbing my rossignols as I type!!!

[Brian]

Well SW, I grew up in Wis. and I am proud to say that I have never strapped on a pair a skies. :)

Hope you have recovered. ;)

[Vicki]

This is a great story! Those signs would make lovely yard ornaments. Just lovely.

[swampwitch]

BARNGODDESS: You're grabbin' your what? Run Mr. Barngoddes, Run!

BRIAN: Oh, that was years ago. And thanks, I haven't recovered.

VICKI: I hope the girls like them. I thought it was a lovely gift, too.

[Robin]

"This one, rather vivid moment will remain etched in my brain for as long as I shall live. Maybe longer."

LOVED that line and ALL that it implied.

This is what would happen to me if I did take my kids skiing; that's why I don't. That, and not much real snow nearby, and who wants to ski on ice? It is almost difficult to exercise restraint in your (ahem) language when you're seeing you life pass before your eyes! Glad you lived to tell :), and boy, did you tell it delightfully.

Must see photos of the new yard art. I think this is the best present I've ever heard of.

[matt]

I nearly got killed on a ski lift in Vermont when it actually stopped after the last run and I was caught in the middle of nowhere next to some snowmakers.

I swung down from the footbars and dropped 12-14 feet, luckily not breaking anything for the rest of the hike down the mountain. (I was an employee at the time.) Now, I am the vacationer....

[claudia]

I loved skiing even though I was a disgrace to the sport...have you tried skiing on one leg? hehe...ok, that was as I was learning...but eventually, I busted my knee. And I nearly got run over by a stupid 12 year old as I was lying in the snow grasping my leg..."owowowowow!" I'm glad her dad was right behind her and yelled at her!

[swampwitch]

MATT: Glad you weren't seriously injured. I love Vermont. Have never skiied there, obviously, but love the "atmosphere." Were you anywhere around Smuggler's Notch?

CLAUDIA: How is the knee these days? Those kids are something else...especially the snowboarders.